Monica Georgina Schwartz
Picture it, 1921, Scranton Pennsylvania, a handsome yet penniless peasant boy struggles to fit into a burgeoning generation of coal miners, enduring harsh winters and difficult economic times. Not a member of the social elite, George had few options after high school. He could work in the Scranton coal mines or enlist in the Army. If being born to a poor family wasn't hard enough on a young man, George's pale and slightly yellow complexion so clashed with the olive drab of Army uniforms that he was classified 4-F within minutes of walking in the door. With bird legs and arms to match, working in the mines was an impossible labor. Try as he might, George couldn't keep a job. Forlorn and on the verge of running for political office, George sought out the sage advice of Scranton's only clairvoyant and seasonal deli meat connoisseur , Agnes Dixon, grandmother of famed psychic Jean Dixon. Agnes told George to go home and look in his sister Isabel's closet for the answers he seeks. Certain that he was destined to live with his mother all the days of his life George reluctantly complied. What you see in the photograph to the left is the awesome result. George reinvented himself and became Scranton's first official transsexual, the renowned Monica Georgina Schwartz. Rumor has it that Monica was with President Harding in the White House just hours before his fatal heart attack in 1923. Incidentally, the bow you see on the back of her hat was in reality a failed prototype for a small plane propeller given to her by Orville Wright in 1924.
In 1933, Monica Georgina Schwartz married soon to be reputed crime boss 'McGee' Bufalino in a private ceremony in Philadelphia. Some say it was a marriage of convenience, a ruse to make Bufalino appear legitimate. Of course if it wasn't, Bufalino must have had one hell of a surprise the first time he peeked under the sheets. But the marriage didn't last. Monica died mysteriously in 1941 in an explosion at her propeller hat factory. Official accounts called it an 'industrial tragedy' but the word on the street claims Monica's untimely demise came only days after McGee's associates affectionately referred to him as the 'backside boss of Philly'.
Janet Was Adopted
More than a half century ago an evil queen ravaged the countryside looking for an unsuspecting young family to burden with the spawn of her ex-brother-in-law Charlie's second cousin once removed, Barfolomeuw. Unfit to raise a child on his own because of his single digit IQ and penchant for left handed Presbyterian lesbians, Barfolomeuw made a pact with the evil queen that he would give up his claims to the child in exchange for a new life with a straight woman who appreciated idiocy. Traveling over thousands and thousands of square miles the evil queen had an epiphany over Downers Grove, Illinois and found a modest bungalow on Douglas Road where she could unload the bounty of her great sorrow. So to the Kovarik family went the child of Barfolomeuw, a darling girl named Janet Ann and to the rest of the world, well ... let's just say that a picture is worth a thousand words, or in this case about a buck and a quarter.
PS. Janet's nick name, Né Né, translates to "Spawn of Barfolomeuw" in ancient Macedonian...